Connect with Compassion
I was inspired by a post by Jonathan Fields about compassion. It was prompted by an interview he did with Alex Jamieson about her decision to eat meat after being on a vegan diet for many years (and basing her business on that). She also wrote a blog post about her decision, which resulted in hundreds of comments.
Fields writes about three types of comments he saw on Jamieson’s post – those who vehemently opposed her decision, those who had made a similar decision and were afraid to speak about it, and those who did not agree with her decision but showed compassion for her as a human being. Fields was heartened by the fact that the compassionate responses were in the majority.
Believe what you will. But lean into your beliefs through the lens of compassion. You don’t have to agree with non-believers, but when you dismiss their humanity, you destroy your own. ~ Jonathan Fields
Strong, inflexible beliefs are at the root of many problems and conflicts.
I’m writing about the problem with belief because it’s something I’m very curious about. My goal in my relationships and online courses is to explore how we connect with each other. When we connect based on beliefs (without compassion) rather than values (with compassion), the human connection is lacking. Let’s start by defining a belief versus a value. I’m a big proponent of living according to values rather than beliefs.
A belief, according to dictionary.com is: an opinion or conviction, confidence in the truth or existence of something not immediately susceptible to rigorous proof. Beliefs are thoughts we have formed based on knowledge or experience. If new information or experiences occur, our beliefs can change. We all have beliefs and Fields says that they can be empowering.
Belief in ideas, causes, movements and ideologies can be empowering. It can connect you with a likeminded community. It can pull you out of darkness and give you direction. Rules to live by, tools and support to better handle the uncertainty of life. ~ Jonathan Fields
The problem comes when our beliefs are rigid, inflexible, and imposed on others. We are not open to new information or experiences.
A value is: something you consider as worthy, excellent, useful, or important; something you regard or esteem highly. Values are something you practice because they’re important to you – for example, love, freedom, compassion, etc. They tend to be broader than beliefs and actions stem from them. See Steve Pavlina’s extensive list of values.
I find that people are often confused by these two words. For example when someone says that eating meat is a bad thing, that is a belief. The person may value compassion towards animals as living beings and his or her actions (or belief) stem from that value. The person can share information about the topic so that others might also adopt this belief, but they cannot (and should not) attempt to control what others do. Everyone else makes decisions based on their own knowledge and experiences.
To take another example, someone asked in the comments if we were to have compassion for rapists. We certainly do not have compassion for the act of rape. As hard as it is, we do need to have compassion for all human beings, even if they commit acts that are horrific. We start by being curious about what in that person’s life led them to do that horrific act and asking how we can invest in people so that these kinds of things don’t happen.
The Value of Contemplative Habits
In the Adventures in Seeing workshop, we explore how we connect with each other and how those connections can be transforming. The habits we work on help us to have deeper relationships, where each person is seen, heard, and valued. They help us to develop compassion. Cultivating contemplative habits, taking pauses before we speak, having empathy for others, being curious and open about the experiences of others, can not only help us grow as human beings but make for a saner world.
Do you live according to beliefs or values?
What a rich article you have written here, Kim. Lots of points to ponder on the importance of compassion and how we can cultivate contemplative habits.
Inflexible beliefs can indeed be the source of conflicts and discord. It is primordial to recognize them in ourselves and learn to go more with the flow…
You’re right, Sandra. It’s easy to see it in others, much harder in ourselves.
You write with such wisdom – I always leave with much to consider and ponder. Thank you for your sharing your learning.
Love the simplicity of this image – what an amazing visual for the concept of connection.
Thank you, Brenda. I could say the same to you about your own posts.
I could not disagree with you more.
I value life, and I value freedom. I believe murdering, torturing, maiming, raping, enslaving, mutilating, dismembering, or otherwise hurting others is wrong. I absolutely believe that we, as a society, must try to prevent (control) people from murdering, torturing, maiming, raping, mutilating and enslaving one another as best we can.
You say that we “cannot (and should not) attempt to control what others do.” I disagree. I think living in a society where we allow everyone to act on every violent impulse without any guidance, rules, laws or repercussions would be both disastrous and immoral. I believe that “forcing” slave owners to free their slaves was the right thing to do. I believe that forbidding people in our society from hurting and killing one another is the right thing to do. I believe that protecting those who are not able to protect themselves is the right thing to do.
I may have great compassion for a rapist (and I do, I have worked with many sex offenders in my line of work), but I will still forcibly prevent a rape from occurring if I can, and I will definitely “attempt to control” the rapist to stop them from raping again, if I am able. The same applies to killing, murdering, torturing, enslaving and mutilating ANY sentient being. Animals are sentient beings. The fact that there is not yet a majority consensus that needlessly torturing, enslaving, mutilating and massacring animals purely for our own selfish pleasure is not wrong, does not make it right. Slavery was wrong even when the majority perpetrated it. Homophobia was wrong even when the majority engaged in it. And carnism is wrong, even though the majority are carnistic. If this is “a belief,” then it is exactly the same as the belief that murder, rape and slavery are wrong, and when our society evolves to level of enforcing the the protection and welfare of all sentient beings, all the world will be better for it.
Kiara, thank you for caring enough to respond. And, for responding in a way that presents your views eloquently and without attacking me personally.
First of all, I totally agree with everything you have written. Your beliefs stem from your values and experiences. And, I have similar values and beliefs.
This post was not saying that we shouldn’t have beliefs but that beliefs can sometimes be problematic. Beliefs can evolve based on new information and experience. None of us have it all figured out.
I find that often beliefs are presented in a way that is judgmental and stops the conversation.
A society also has values and laws are the beliefs that stem from those values. To me, laws are a way to influence behaviour. However, this is not control. A person can still do whatever they want, they just may end up in prison.
I would also certainly try to stop a rape from occurring if I could. When I speak of not controlling others, I mean that in general we need to be respectful and open to the beliefs of others, being always willing to expand our own horizons as well as helping others to expand theirs.
If we care deeply about something (and society has not yet caught up), then we need to find a way to present what we know and feel in a way that makes people want to listen and care too.