The book, Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach, is one book that made a huge impact on me and this is why Brach is one of my mentors in seeing.

Acceptance is one of the nine contemplative habits explored in the Adventures in Seeing book. Acceptance of whatever comes in life is not easy. It’s counter cultural (in the west especially) to embrace our fears, our negative qualities, discomfort, or even the weather! Why should we?

Well, if Tara Brach is right and acceptance means genuine freedom, then why wouldn’t we? By accepting what is, we don’t let “the story we create” take hold of us. This is only one of the many lessons from this book. Here are 10 others.

1. We belong.

“Radical acceptance is the willingness to experience ourselves and our lives exactly as they are.” ~ Tara Brach

If we’re unable or unwilling to do this, then we’re in a mindset that Brach calls “the trance of unworthiness.” We feel separate from others, from the world, and even from our own lives. Radical acceptance can be learned through the practices of mindfulness (embracing what is happening in the moment) and compassion (having an open heart) towards others and ourselves.

2. We have the capacity to be wise, good, and compassionate. 

In the western world, self-improvement is huge. However, there’s a difference between striving to be “better” (this is the trance of unworthiness), and evolving into the person we already are in our core. The first step in radical acceptance is bringing mindfulness and compassion to ourselves and seeing the areas where we’re covering up who we really are.

3. The importance of pausing. 

I know many, myself included, who have a practice of not immediately reacting to an email or anything that pushes our buttons. Wait at least 24 hours before responding. I know this is no guarantee that we’ll respond with wisdom (maybe we need more than 24 hours), but this is the idea behind Brach’s “sacred pause.”

She recommends always taking a pause in any situation, even in conversation. Notice what is happening in your body, heart and mind. Be still with it and take your hands off the controls. See the situation as it is before deciding how to respond.

4. Feel pain in order to transform it.

We all experience pain in our lives. There’s no use fighting or resisting it when it happens. How we respond to pain is the true test. Brach writes,

Perhaps the dragons in our lives are only princesses, waiting for us to act with beauty and courage. Perhaps everything that frightens us is something helpless that wants our love.

We can react to pain by suffering or wallowing. Or, we can recognize the longing that’s present in the pain, and move towards what we need.

5. Dissolve boundaries.

The boundary to what we can accept is the boundary to our freedom.

What would it be like if we just let life live through us instead of setting up boundaries to what is acceptable. Some of these boundaries include fears, assumptions, judgments, and even opinions. These are all mental concepts. They’re really futile when you think about it. Our only real freedom is in how we choose to respond and realizing that it is a choice.

Once we are free of these boundaries and are able to experience life with all of our senses, we will find our belonging and our freedom. Our choices will come from a different place, one not based on fear or prejudice.

6. Move past fears to compassion.

Reactivity comes from living in fear. We defend our lives rather than live them fully. Brach is not saying that fear will go away. She shows us how to recognize the fear and move past it by realizing our connectedness with others. Our actions affect others and their actions affect us, whether we like it or not. Once we realize this, fear loses some of its grip.

A couple of years ago, I admitted to a close friend that my greatest fear was of people. I had never said that to anyone, including myself before. This allowed me to have some compassion for myself and even a good laugh. Honestly, I have been much less afraid ever since.

7. Find your refuge. 

Find the places where you feel a sense of belonging. This can be through inspiring reading, practices like meditation or photography, or a community of people that you trust. When we feel a sense of safety and belonging, we can more easily face our fears and move past them. Tara Brach’s latest book, True Refuge: Finding Peace and Freedom in your own Awakened Heart, is about this very topic.

8. Always be kind.

If we see our deep connection with others and know that everyone wants to be happy and loved, then it is easier to forgive and show kindness. First, we need to forgive ourselves for the mistakes we inevitably make. Doing so allows our hearts to be more open to forgiving others for the same reasons. The act of forgiveness is a recognition that we all make mistakes and are evolving human beings. We don’t define someone’s worth by their undesirable behaviour. We might not accept the behaviour but we do accept the person as a fellow human being.

9. Deepen your attention. 

My favourite definition of prayer is “paying attention to the one who loves you best.” I believe that attention – deep seeing – is the meaning of life. By paying attention we see the wonder as well as the pain. We can better appreciate the wonder and we can decide what to do about the pain. Pay close attention to your own suffering and also the suffering of others. This is how we see our common humanness. By letting ourselves be touched by life, our hearts will open wider.

10. Relationships are everything.

Our greatest suffering often comes from relationships. Paradoxically, this is also where our greatest joy comes. We spend a lot of time working on ourselves in isolation – through reading, meditation, learning new skills, etc. Yet, the real work has to be done in relationship – in loving and being loved.

Embrace life in all its realness – broken, messy, mysterious and vibrantly alive.

Through love we reflect others’ brilliance and they in turn reflect ours. This takes honesty, presence, and deep listening – well worth the investment. There is so much more to to this book than even these 10 lessons and I know it will be one I go back to again and again.

Tara Brach provides a weekly dharma talk for free through her Insight Meditation Community in Washington, DC. Access the archives here.