No One Owes You Anything by Copshoppe

I heard this line in a blog post awhile ago and couldn’t get it out of my mind.

After writing out my thoughts in a post and discussing it with a few friends, I couldn’t bring myself to hit publish. That was months ago, but now I’ve decided it’s time to get your thoughts.

I truly believe that a lot of our problems could be solved immediately if we truly believed this one line. Similar to Buddhist thought that says all suffering is caused by attachment and desire, it is certainly challenging.

I mentioned this phrase while meeting with a few of my women friends, and one said that she didn’t think that it was always true. She gave as an example our children. We owe them care and safety and love as they are growing up. So, I had to think it through a little deeper. First, I had to define a few terms.

What does it mean to owe? (dictionary.com)

* to be under obligation to pay or repay: to owe money to the bank; to owe the bank interest on a mortgage.
* to be in debt to: He says he doesn’t owe anybody.
* to be indebted (to) as the cause or source of: to owe one’s fame to good fortune.

The word owe implies obligation or a payback. But I don’t think this is the right term to use when it comes to our children. We take care of and nurture our children because we love them and are responsible for them, not because we owe them. As a matter of fact, there is no payback. If we love them unconditionally, we don’t expect anything back from them. We hope that they will love us back, but that’s not why we care for them.

We want them to become who they were meant to be. We want the best for them. The same applies to any loving relationship.

So, does anyone really owe you?

Love and relationships are, I believe, what give life meaning. But true love is unconditional, meaning not owed or earned.

Do you want someone you love to do something for you because they owe you or because they love you?

Love is not an obligation; something owed.

Love is not given in exchange for something.

Love is a gift, freely given.

If we were to live as if no one owes us a thing…

We would be free to love without feeling obligated.

We would act out of love, not obligation.

We would see everything we are given, including love as a gift, not what is owed.

How does the word responsibility fit into this?

My husband mentioned social security. He has paid into social security for years because he had to and out of a sense of responsibility to the older generation, as well as the hope that the next generation will do the same for him. But, do they owe it to him because he paid into it?

I see the word responsibility as closely related to obligation but not exactly the same. According to dictionary.com, responsibility means:

* answerable or accountable, as for something within one’s power, control, or management
* chargeable with being the author, cause, or occasion of something
* having a capacity for moral decisions and therefore accountable; capable of rational thought or action
* to discharge obligations or pay debts.

These definitions of responsibility suggest taking action based on a moral decision. It implies that we have a choice, whereas the definition of obligation did not imply choice. Something owed is just that – a debt – and it is through being responsible that we pay back the debt.

We all have responsibilities, and it is our choice whether to fulfill them or not.

If we are in a job and don’t fulfill the responsibilities of the job, we will most likely lose it. We don’t owe our employer. He or she simply won’t pay us or will fire us if we fail to do the job.

If we are in a marriage and do not take responsibility for the marriage or are hurtful, that is our choice. Our mate has the choice to accept the situation or to leave. We have a choice together whether to resolve the situation. We do not owe it to them. This is the ultimate in freedom.

We also have a responsibility to our children, just by the fact that we gave birth to them, and if we don’t fulfill that responsibility, our children will be taken from us. We take care of our children out of a sense of responsibility, but mostly out of love.

We all need love, especially children. While our parents don’t owe it to us, we are tremendously hurt when it is not forthcoming.

While I believe that no one owes us a thing, I also believe in responsibility for others. With love comes responsibility and doing what is right. And once we realize how everything is connected, we will expand our loving relationships a whole lot wider and feel a greater responsibility for others.

Tara Sophia Mohr, in her brilliant poem, Even in the Struggle, says that there are two sides of us.

There is the part of us that fears and protects and defends and expects, and has a story of the way it’s supposed to turn out. That part clenches in fear, feels abandoned and cursed.

Owed.

On the other side, you are one with the earth, like the mountain. You hum with life, like the moss. On the other side, you are more beautiful: wholeness in your bones, wisdom in your gaze, the sage-self and the surrendered heart alive.

Surrendered heart; love freely received and given.

I think most of us are afraid that if we give our love away without expecting anything back, that we are doormats. But I believe the opposite is true. We live in a world of abundance and the more we give freely, the more we get back without even asking. See this post by Zen at Play on Generosity.

What do you think? Who owes you? How would your relationship change if you didn’t feel that way?